My Rainbow Baby
What is a rainbow baby?
A rainbow baby is a baby who is born shortly after a miscarriage. According to thebump.com
“A rainbow baby is a baby born shortly after the loss of a previous baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or death in infancy. This term is given to these special rainbow babies because a rainbow typically follows a storm, giving us hope of what’s to come.”
I am just going to let you all know, this is very difficult to talk about. I have not told many people about my own story of my rainbow baby. But, sometimes, you get signs screaming at you that this is time to tell your story. I have had multiple signs over the last couple weeks and now that my daughter Khloe, is about to celebrate her sixth birthday this seems to be the time for me to share my story.
After having my first child, Brenden, I was overjoyed. I had said, weeks before finding out I was pregnant with him, that I NEVER wanted to have kids. A few of my girlfriends can confirm that. 🙂 After having my first child, I was afraid I could NEVER, ever, love another soul, the way I loved him! He was my world! My bestie! I took him everywhere. I wanted to be with him all the time. He was the light in my eye. Let’s be honest, he still is ;). BUT after my only son turned 3, my husband and I decided we would try for another baby! I stopped my birth control in May and by June/July I found out I was pregnant! We were shocked! We thought it would take at least one year before we would be pregnant again! Ya! I went to the doctor and they confirmed that I was about 6 weeks along. I was ecstatic. Hoping and hoping for a girl already. Nervous of course, but happy.
Then, I got a call asking for another test. That was weird, I thought, as with my first pregnancy, I just came in when scheduled. I never got called back. The doctor had told me my HCG levels seemed low. Being as I had only one previous pregnancy, I had no idea what he was talking about so I came in with no worries, being the optimist I am. I took the test and got called to do one more. I started to get nervous at that point. And for good reason…It was at that doctors appointment that I was told I was experiencing a miscarriage.
My heart was broken. I remember crying to my doctor in his office asking so many questions that he did not have answers to. How did this happen when I had a perfect first pregnancy? I am healthy! What is wrong with me? Are you 100% sure? There is no mistake here? and the list goes on. From the moment you take that test and you see the pink lines confirming your pregnancy, or you are like me, and take the one that says “pregnant” or “not pregnant”, no questions, LOL, once you see that, you are confirmed. You are a mom. You are carrying a life inside you. Someone who you will protect with all your might. Especially after already experiencing one successful pregnancy, I was ready!
After that doctor’s appointment, I had to go to work! Can you imagine? Going right to work after being told that you are having a miscarriage? That within the matter of days you will experience something life changing and a version of child birth that you did not imagine? Well, I did it. I went to work. I told my boss, as she could tell you, I was visibly shaken. She allowed me the time I needed to take, to experience and handle my miscarriage and I am now and forever will be grateful for that. I cried to her and she sent me home and let me take the time I needed.
I will never forget the day I had the miscarriage, and it will be burned into my brain forever. I cried so much and I won’t go into to detail but since I was only 2 months along, it happened at my house, in my bathroom, while I was home alone from work one day. After that, I went to my doctor and got back on birth control right away. I decided to only be on it for a short while and then got off it in November of the same year and found out I was pregnant again at the beginning of December. Fertile Myrtle over here! That is one thing I am grateful for! I was able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat! A lot of women are not that lucky, and I did not take that for granted.
But, after the VERY recent miscarriage I decided I was going to keep this one to myself for a while. I told my husband of course, but did not tell a ton of family or friends. Other miscarriage mama’s, how hard is it to not only get your own hopes up, but the hopes of potential, aunts, uncles, grandmas and grandpas? Ugh.
Christmas comes and I end up telling my family I am pregnant again. I told them very hesitantly. I actually wasn’t planning on telling them then, but, we were playing a game and my family noticed that I declined a glass of wine. And, let’s be honest, RED FLAG! Haha! I was so nervous, guilty,scared. etc. They listened and understood and made me comfortable telling them all. They always give me their undying love and support. Fast forward and St. Patrick’s day comes around and we find out we are having a girl. We decide on the name “Khloe”. (With the help of a friend ;)) Our four leaf clover. How perfect? Too bad my pregnancy was sickness the first 5 months! I actually lost weight with her the first 6 months!
Giving birth to Khloe was a totally different experience than our first as well! She was so easy! I woke up around 4:30 realizing my water broke! I was so calm. I called my mom and doctor and said “I think my water broke” My mom was like “Um ok?! I’ll be right there! For Brenden of course” I had time to put on make up and straighten my hair LOL! The birth was so smooth. I almost didn’t get an epidural, but was terrified not to, because with my first I had back labor which was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I was ready for her. Ready for my rainbow after the storm. Ready to see this beautiful face that God had graced me with. She was no disappointment. I remember laughing while pushing…my husband, mom and close friends will be the only ones to know why 😉 And her birth is one of the only time I have seen my husband cry!
Now, as Khloe grows, she constantly reminds me of the miracle she is. Her favorite color is “rainbows”. How convenient, and what a perfect answer. She has no idea the rainbow she is in my life, in more ways than one. My wish for her, my rainbow baby, our rainbow princess, is that you stay true to who you are. Keep chasing rainbows and keep being the bright shining star you are! Your daddy and I love you more than words can say and I hope you can read this years from now and understand that the love we have for you is never ending and that you truly are a miracle. The light in our eyes will never stop shining as long as you are in it, sweet girl.
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy